Dreams and Things

I dreamed about my mother, a toilet, and sleep.  I almost never have a dream with my mother in it.  But it happens on occasion.  Last night was one such occasion.

She was tired and wanted to take a nap.  I was working on the toilet.  She came and put a big bucket of water in the tank.  It did not need that but I guess that was her version of fixing a toilet.  All it needed was to have the float pushed down.  But it was no big deal.  She was trying to find a place to sleep.  She went outside.  I was making a lot of noise, like running a blender or something of that equivalent.  She moved from where she was.  Trying to find a more suitable, quieter spot.  I felt bad.  She was still outside.  I think there was a girl with her at that point.  Then she came inside and said she had decided not to take a nap.  I felt bad again.  She went in another room.  This is the point things get fuzzy with this dream….

Another dream I was with two other people.  We were at a restaurant.  Then we went into a bigger area.  I think someplace to do with the University.  There were a lot of students.  And people would dance in different establishments like restaurants.  I kept wanting to go to where the dancing was.  I found this very interesting and intriguing.  But also felt like more of an observer and that it wasn’t really my place to join in.

One restaurant we went was pretty rough around the edges.  There were wide terraced like steps  concrete steps that were wet from people spilling there beer.  There were a lot of people sitting on these steps.  I was not happy trying to walk down the steps and not step in puddles of beer.  It was pretty much impossible.

With these dreams I can definitely see the tie in with reality.  I’m not sure about my mother but each person is supposed to represent the dreamer and I definitely was focused on sleep and had a great deep sleep which was awesome.  The students dancing ties in with my new dance party I’m holding now, and the beer covered steps with the fact I don’t have to dance on sticky beer covered night club floors now if I don’t want to.  Now that I have started my weekly dance party!

I had other dreams.  There were a few teenage young men.  My friend Katelyn.  More sleep themes and a cell phone thrown in there.  Maybe some bulldozer type construction going on as well.  A guy who was drunk, wearing a white t-shirt who did a side kick into my leg, but barely making contact.  His girlfriend apologized.  I felt offended and irritated.  I told her that could have been very alarming to someone who didn’t have a martial arts background.  The guy was just being playful but it still ticked me off and made me feel very disrespected.  Pushed some of my buttons but I walked away.

Katelyn and I were walking outside through this narrow path lined with thin trees and greenery.  I was like a fairy path.   You couldn’t see through the trees as they were all very close together and very thin.  And the green of the leaves was so vibrant and beautiful.  A think young man with long dark hair came walking towards us.  We both thought he was attractive.  We passed each other without speaking.   We came out to the other side.  It was not beautiful.  There was dirt and construction from the bulldozers, which were not there at the time.  There was a young man throwing a football.  I held out my hands for him to through it to me.  He wasn’t very good at throwing it.  I found this a little irritating.  I had a hard time catching the ball.  I had a hard time throwing it as well.  It seemed to big for me to grip with one hand.  It was the softish nerf-type.  We threw back and forth a few times.  I could tell he was learning, practicing.  There were other guys with a football in front of him.  They knew what they were doing.  He was in the back doing his own thing.  Trying to get up to speed.

In another dream a young man of late teens I would guess loaned me his phone.  I think I was going to use the time to set for a nap I wanted to take.  I didn’t know how to set it so he was showing me.  This correlates with my waking hours thinking about getting a new phone and a bit of concern that I won’t know how to use it and that I will need to make sure that everything on my current phone transfers smoothly to the new one.

I find dreams like these a little boring and inconsequential but I write them to strengthen my connection with my subconscious.  To  cultivate that connection so I am coming more from that deeper place of knowing in my everyday life.  I remember telling Brian that, I guess it’s been over three years ago now,  that I wanted to function from a higher consciousness.  Or something of that sort.  He told me I was soulful.  I was trying to be open, and share, even though I felt I was leaving myself wide open for judgement.   He didn’t seem to think I was weird.   But maybe he did, and he liked it.  I remember being in that little convenience store deli waiting for our food.  I asked him what some of his hobbies were, some of his passions.  He acted shy, bashful.  I found this so wonderful. It made me like him even more.   I guess it was his turn to be vulnerable.  It showed him I wanted to get to know him a little better.

I used to worry guys would think I was weird, so I wanted to be careful about sharing things like that, but then my teenage son at the time told me something to the effect of – guys like weird girls.  They liked that they were different, not like the other girls.  So I thought, “That’s great!  They will love me!”  Haha!   I don’t label myself as weird actually, but can see many opportunities for others to do so.  I am just me.  Doing my thing.  Trying to function from a deeper place and not on the superficial level of just going through the motions.  Trying to bring peace to myself and the world, in my own little corner of the world.  Stepping out gradually, impacting my state and country as well.

I always take a little longer writing in the mornings than I intend.  I need food and meditation, yoga, and a shower still before walking downtown for the Unbound Book Festival.

I hope to write the next time I come to you about humanity.  I have been watching Wild Wild Country.  I cannot believe this is real and true.  I tried doing a Google search to see if it was real.  I am having a hard time with it.  I didn’t find anything saying to the contrary.  Last night I finished season 3.  I have had a deeper desire to understand my species over the past year or two.  This story just adds to my confusion.  So much to think about.  Belief, following a leader, wanting desperately to believe in someone, in something, mob mentality.  On and on…..  But  I will save that for another time.

Wishing you a happy weekend and a peaceful life.

Sayonara

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Morning

Here I am again feeling the pull to connect and not just simply write in my notebook this morning.  I woke up feeling so so.  I am not getting that wonderful deep deep sleep, which annoys me.  My SI joint keeps coming out of place.   Usually if I stay active this isn’t an issue but that hasn’t been the case lately.  I am getting frustrated and thinking of switching from my personal trainer to physical therapy.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my trainer.  He is the best!  But, I think my insurance would cover P.T. and maybe I could go a couple of times a week.  I have not been wanting to go to the gym regularly for several months now.  And can’t seem to get myself to check out other gyms.  I am thinking all of this might be boring for you to read, if you are still there.  But, it’s what’s on my mind this morning.

I also woke up thinking about my new class tomorrow, or new weekly event.  It will be a morning dance party.  I have been wanting to do this for a long time and it is finally here.  I have no idea if anyone is planning on showing up.

The problem is, I have to make a playlist, or two, and even though I love so many songs, I am drawing a blank.  I think it’s kind of like writer’s block.  I think it’s because I am a little nervous.  So far I have 5 songs.  Maybe six.  Not enough to fill an hour!  Haha!

I also have a new friend coming to visit tomorrow and that makes me nervous.  It is the fear of the unknown and having to be the host.  Even though I wanted her to come.  Something about having to be the host and not really knowing her.  We met briefly last summer.  It can be a thing for me to take a step forward then get a little scared and take a step back.  Maybe that’s normal.

I went to my Jungian counselor yesterday and she helped me analyze my freaky dream I wrote about the other day.  Together we determined that my aunt represented a developing nurturing side of me that I wanted to take off with – ‘go running’ but I didn’t have pants on – this left me feeling vulnerable.  The little strong doggy was there to guard something precious – that vulnerable part.  Basically I am trying open up more of my Yin self to the world but feeling somewhat guarded and vulnerable to expose that side of myself. My Yang side is more developed and feels more comfortable for me to share.

Dreams are awesome, as is my counselor!

Last night I dreamed I had a man in my life.  He was holding me.  Oh, how nice that will be when the day finally comes.  Sometimes I get impatient waiting.  I don’t understand why it is taking him so long to find me.   This makes me sad.

This cold, overcast morning makes me feel blah.  I am hoping the sun will come out and it will feel like spring.  This is the longest winter I have ever known.  I have been very patient but it would be nice to have some warm sunny spring weather.  I plan on taking a nature walk this morning.  After meditation.  After getting dressed.  After eating.  I also need to add take a shower in there somewhere.  It has been a few days since I did that.  I was hoping to fit in some yoga too but may not have time.  It’s hard to make everything fit into a morning.

Later I will teach a private Tai Chi lesson, go to my public speaking meeting, hang out with my son – and hopefully make some important phone calls, go to my private Tai Chi/Kung Fu lesson, make my playlist, and then clean the house so it is tidy when my friend comes tomorrow.  Busy day!!!  I had hoped to try out a West Coast Swing class tonight but it doesn’t seem like I will have the time.  If not, I need to go run for a bit or see if another new friend wants to hang out.

I hope you have a sweet day.  Good chatting with you.  Sorry it was so one-sided.  ; )

As always, I would love to hear from you!  Please leave me a comment.

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Dreams and Things

I usually write my dreams in my notebook every morning.  Most of the time I can remember them.  But I have been wanting to connect through writing.  Ever since starting my blog, what was it, over three years ago? I don’t write as much just to write.  Now I often think about an audience.  Now I think there has to be a reason as opposed to just writing, just like, well, breathing.

So here I am sitting on my bedroom floor, leaning against my yoga cushion.  I’m hungry and need to go to the bathroom.  I wanted to tell you about my dream.  It’s a weird one.

I dreamed I was having a conversation with my aunt.  I believe she was really me as is usually the case in dreams they say.  The people in your dreams represent different aspects of your self.  Cars and houses can even represent the dreamer.  Anyway she had taken up running and lost a lot of weight.  She had cut her hair short into a tough adorable haircut (know anyone like that?).  I thought she looked great.  She was telling me about her transformation as she was getting ready to go running.  All of the sudden she had a little black dog with her.  She stuck him in her vagina.  Don’t ask me!  It was the dream cooking this stuff up! The little dog’s head was sticking out between her legs and I could see the lips of her vagina.  Uh, I was pretty disturbed by this.  She just kept talking about running and losing weight.  After I got used to the dogs head being there, I started thinking about the fact that she was getting ready to go running with nothing on down below.  I thought this was not a good plan.

That is one dream that I think took the cake.  I had another about a friend of mine.  I was staying at his apartment in his bed.  I asked if he was wanting to be more than friends.  He indicated he did.  I wasn’t sure how I felt.  He tried to do something sexual with me but I told him I didn’t want things to start off like that.  I was not interested in going there.  His apartment was not that tidy.  We needed to get up and get going with the day.  He had things on the floor he needed to pick up so we didn’t step on them.  Like small metal things.  A man walked by outside.  Apparently he lived in the back of the building.  My friend and his friend had been busted for weed.  They were going to ask a price for it from the police.  And a higher price than the going rate at that.

Later my friend and I were at an all black wedding or funeral, I wasn’t sure at the time.  My friend was now black.  Select women were going to the center.  They asked if one was his girlfriend or if I was his girlfriend.  He said, “We’re working on it” referring to me.  I still wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

I told him later that he had been white (which he is) and then was black, and I was confused by that.  I don’t remember him having a response.  He looked different, not just different skin color.  Both versions of him I thought were cute.

Well, those are a few of my dreams.  I have also been noticing that I start dreaming as soon as I lay down, when I am still somewhat awake.  I have been trying to toggle back and forth and notice what I am dreaming.  This is confusing to me as I know we are suppose to be dreaming later during the sleep cycle, during REM.  But I am for sure dreaming and not just thinking.  I want to explore this more.  It is tricky because if I start keeping track of my dream it kind of pulls me out of it and a little more back into the awake place.  It’s a fuzzy area.  It can happen in the morning a bit too I think.  I am wondering why this dream state is not generally acknowledged.

That’s all for now.  Comments welcome!   Tell me what you think my first dream means.

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Progress

I see my mind trying to hijack things.  The thought,
‘I should be worried about this.  I should feel anxious, insecure.’

But I’m not.  This is called progress.  Okay.  Yesterday a bit of insecurity for a new venture.  A bit of, ‘Can you, or should you, pull this off?  Are you qualified?

But it wasn’t strong.  It floated around a bit.  It didn’t, however, pull me under.  It didn’t make me feel fear in my body.  It didn’t send me into internal panic mode.

Progress is beautiful.  I have learned through experiences, through so many trial and errors that have worked out well, that it will be okay.  It’s what my mind makes of it.  I have learned that I am safe.  And that it is safe to dip my toe in the water.  There has been one big mean shark lurking out there but other than that, it’s gone well.  I have learned to ask for help. I have also learned to navigate the seas on my own.

My compass?  Simply moving forward with clear intention for what I want.  Having trust in others and faith that the Universe will provide when my vision is clear.  Understanding that it won’t always look like I anticipate.  And easing up on myself.

I will end by sharing that this progress does not mean that everything is always roses.

Last night was hard.  But today is a new day.   I realize that I need to have plans with friends on Sunday evening. To ask them to take initiative in getting me out of the house.

Friday nights used to be hard, now the loneliness sets in on Sunday.  Fridays the boys went with their dad.  Each time I experienced that separation, when they were gone, I cried.  For years, I cried.  Now I cry on Sundays.

I know there will progress there as well.  It’s all part of the bigger picture.  Without sadness we wouldn’t know joy.  Thank you for being there with me through all of my highs and lows.

Goodbye for now dear reader.

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Flashbacks

I’m having flashbacks today.

Michael’s on my mind.

Spring is in the air and I find myself longing for love again.

Was Michael love?  I think so.

Love means a lot of things.

I loved him as a fellow human being.

I loved his intelligence the most I think.

I loved his touch and our physical connection.

The energy of our bodies uniting and becoming one.

Not in a sexual union, but truly energy.  It was palpable.

It felt supernatural.  I think it was.

We were on a plane different from others when we came together.

I feel lucky to have experienced the love and the devastating heartbreak

when he faded away.  Or more accurately did the vanishing act.  Poof.

One day he’s there.  All in.  The next, nothing.  Gone.

I realize I was grieving the loss of love.

It felt so good with us, when things had felt

not so good, for so long, in my marriage.  I’m not blaming my ex.  It takes two.

But there had been a deficiency.

That’s what I told Michael that day when he asked me why I was crying

standing in his kitchen as he held me.

He was my second connection since the separation.

The week the divorce was final was the same week he

disappeared.  The same week that Brian, the first, more

realistic love connection, didn’t text back.  He said he wasn’t

comfortable that I wasn’t legally severed yet.

When the deed was done, he was no where to be found.

There was a theme here.  And so much pain.

So many demons of being deserted coming up all at once.

A loss of three men.  Boom.

But, somehow I survived.

Survived.  And learned a lot about myself

in the process.  I learned I was leaning towards men

who could not be there for me emotionally

or physically, as – in person.

Just as I had experienced with my father.

There was a social quality to these men

and the ones I continued to be drawn toward.

A difficulty relating in some fashion.

Often times a mental health issue to go along.

My life coach told me that I would move forward

ignoring any red flags.

I just couldn’t help myself from running

full speed ahead towards love.

That is what I was looking for anyway.

I just wanted to be loved.

And love another.

I have settled my energy over these past three years.

I am more grounded.

I have cultivated more self-love.

But I still want to be loved.

Is that such a bad thing?

I’ve met a man.

It’s been a very long dry spell.  But I’ve been okay.

He’s younger like most of the others.

He’s got it together.

Or so it seems.

Lots of similar interests.

You know, that kind of thing.

But I have learned over these years,

it takes a bit of time to really know someone.

And by then, seems like folks move on.

So I don’t get my hopes up like I used to.

Trying to keep any blips of  excitement in check.

But I remember the feeling.

It feels so good.

And I want it again.

I don’t know what he wants.

If he is looking for love.

You can’t just come out and ask someone that,

Can you?

I think that scares guys away.

At least that’s what they always said

in the love advice I used to read.

So here I am.  Another Sunday afternoon,

alone, with my cat, on this damned cranberry-colored couch

hoping someone will call,

and say,  ‘Come out and play Suzanne.

Come out and play.’

Copyright Suzanne Norton 2018

 

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I’m Not Lonely Anymore

I smelled your cologne, when I walked through the door.

I’ve never lived on my own before.

I though I would miss you.

Now that you’re gone, it’s plain to see

What I’d been missing all along, was me.

Now that you’re gone,

I’m not lonely anymore.

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Doctor’s Visit

She hadn’t been to the doctor in years,

Preferring the natural way.

She looked him straight in the eyes and said,

I’m just fine with surgery.

You’ve waited too long,

I’m sorry to say.

Nothing can be done.

You may have six more months to live.

I’m not usually wrong.

His words were direct but kind.

As we all absorbed the blow.

We sat for days in silence

Then drove my mother home.

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