I see my mind trying to hijack things.  The thought,
‘I should be worried about this.  I should feel anxious, insecure.’

But I’m not.  This is called progress.  Okay.  Yesterday a bit of insecurity for a new venture.  A bit of, ‘Can you, or should you, pull this off?  Are you qualified?

But it wasn’t strong.  It floated around a bit.  It didn’t, however, pull me under.  It didn’t make me feel fear in my body.  It didn’t send me into internal panic mode.

Progress is beautiful.  I have learned through experiences, through so many trial and errors that have worked out well, that it will be okay.  It’s what my mind makes of it.  I have learned that I am safe.  And that it is safe to dip my toe in the water.  There has been one big mean shark lurking out there but other than that, it’s gone well.  I have learned to ask for help. I have also learned to navigate the seas on my own.

My compass?  Simply moving forward with clear intention for what I want.  Having trust in others and faith that the Universe will provide when my vision is clear.  Understanding that it won’t always look like I anticipate.  And easing up on myself.

I will end by sharing that this progress does not mean that everything is always roses.

Last night was hard.  But today is a new day.   I realize that I need to have plans with friends on Sunday evening. To ask them to take initiative in getting me out of the house.

Friday nights used to be hard, now the loneliness sets in on Sunday.  Fridays the boys went with their dad.  Each time I experienced that separation, when they were gone, I cried.  For years, I cried.  Now I cry on Sundays.

I know there will progress there as well.  It’s all part of the bigger picture.  Without sadness we wouldn’t know joy.  Thank you for being there with me through all of my highs and lows.

Goodbye for now dear reader.

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I’m having flashbacks today.

Michael’s on my mind.

Spring is in the air and I find myself longing for love again.

Was Michael love?  I think so.

Love means a lot of things.

I loved him as a fellow human being.

I loved his intelligence the most I think.

I loved his touch and our physical connection.

The energy of our bodies uniting and becoming one.

Not in a sexual union, but truly energy.  It was palpable.

It felt supernatural.  I think it was.

We were on a plane different from others when we came together.

I feel lucky to have experienced the love and the devastating heartbreak

when he faded away.  Or more accurately did the vanishing act.  Poof.

One day he’s there.  All in.  The next, nothing.  Gone.

I realize I was grieving the loss of love.

It felt so good with us, when things had felt

not so good, for so long, in my marriage.  I’m not blaming my ex.  It takes two.

But there had been a deficiency.

That’s what I told Michael that day when he asked me why I was crying

standing in his kitchen as he held me.

He was my second connection since the separation.

The week the divorce was final was the same week he

disappeared.  The same week that Brian, the first, more

realistic love connection, didn’t text back.  He said he wasn’t

comfortable that I wasn’t legally severed yet.

When the deed was done, he was no where to be found.

There was a theme here.  And so much pain.

So many demons of being deserted coming up all at once.

A loss of three men.  Boom.

But, somehow I survived.

Survived.  And learned a lot about myself

in the process.  I learned I was leaning towards men

who could not be there for me emotionally

or physically, as – in person.

Just as I had experienced with my father.

There was a social quality to these men

and the ones I continued to be drawn toward.

A difficulty relating in some fashion.

Often times a mental health issue to go along.

My life coach told me that I would move forward

ignoring any red flags.

I just couldn’t help myself from running

full speed ahead towards love.

That is what I was looking for anyway.

I just wanted to be loved.

And love another.

I have settled my energy over these past three years.

I am more grounded.

I have cultivated more self-love.

But I still want to be loved.

Is that such a bad thing?

I’ve met a man.

It’s been a very long dry spell.  But I’ve been okay.

He’s younger like most of the others.

He’s got it together.

Or so it seems.

Lots of similar interests.

You know, that kind of thing.

But I have learned over these years,

it takes a bit of time to really know someone.

And by then, seems like folks move on.

So I don’t get my hopes up like I used to.

Trying to keep any blips of  excitement in check.

But I remember the feeling.

It feels so good.

And I want it again.

I don’t know what he wants.

If he is looking for love.

You can’t just come out and ask someone that,

Can you?

I think that scares guys away.

At least that’s what they always said

in the love advice I used to read.

So here I am.  Another Sunday afternoon,

alone, with my cat, on this damned cranberry-colored couch

hoping someone will call,

and say,  ‘Come out and play Suzanne.

Come out and play.’

Copyright Suzanne Norton 2018


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I’m Not Lonely Anymore

I smelled your cologne, when I walked through the door.

I’ve never lived on my own before.

I though I would miss you.

Now that you’re gone, it’s plain to see

What I’d been missing all along, was me.

Now that you’re gone,

I’m not lonely anymore.

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Doctor’s Visit

She hadn’t been to the doctor in years,

Preferring the natural way.

She looked him straight in the eyes and said,

I’m just fine with surgery.

You’ve waited too long,

I’m sorry to say.

Nothing can be done.

You may have six more months to live.

I’m not usually wrong.

His words were direct but kind.

As we all absorbed the blow.

We sat for days in silence

Then drove my mother home.

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Now that you’re gone                                                                                I’m not lonely anymore.

Copyright 2018 Suzanne Norton

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Urgent: Humanity Needs Connection



When was the last time you felt the love of another human? Was it this morning when you woke up next to him/her? Was it last Sunday when you went to church? Or a few weeks ago when your sister called you? Maybe it was several years ago when you had a little more trust in your heart. Regardless, love (any sort of connection that is from the heart–familial, romantic, friendly) is essential to our experience as humans; and we need to be creating a little more of it as a society.

Let’s face it: our world is sort of hanging off of the cliff as we are confronted with imminent times of war, climate change, and an either-or mentality to select psychopathic presidential candidates. What’s the point of bringing that up, you say? If our world completely goes to sh**, what will we have left? The economic system may collapse…

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Sunday Morning

Hi there!  It’s a good morning.  Good morning to you.

Today was the first time I was happy about my new lines.  I look in the mirror every morning and try to think how to reverse them.  I am trying many things.  And plan on having a women’s workshop about aging.

This morning I was excited about painting my lines with a solution I have been using the past few weeks.  I like working with lines on paper.  Line drawing.  I like filling things in.  Like the time I stayed up until one in the morning filling up the divots in my kitchen cork floor with wood putty.  Or the time I used Quickrete on the patio at our house in Ashland. I can become a little ocd about these kind of things.  There’s something so satisfying filling in the cracks and making things smooth again.

Now I use a tiny little brush to apply an essential oil blend, filling in the lines on my face.  I also found a great cover-up product from Neutrogena that has hyaluronic acid in it that I apply around my mouth to make things smooth again.

I am a fairly thin person so there is no extra plumpness to fill in the lines naturally.  Unlike my grandmother, who had such nice skin but also a lot of extra fat to keep everything plump.  It was nice firm fat.  Not saggy.  She looked great throughout her older years, living until the age of 92.

A younger friend told me the other day that I had a youthful face.  It’s interesting the stories we create about ourselves.  I have just been noticing how I am looking older and thinking it is really standing out to everyone else as well.  You know, like it’s making national headlines…..Breaking news!  “Mid-Missouri woman shows signs of aging!”  Trying to accept and love myself.  And not think people will love me less as my looks change.

Switching gears now…..It is bright outside and that makes me happy.  A smile came across my face when I awoke at 10:00 a.m. to see the outside blanketed in a beautiful white snow.  It’s so pretty as I sit looking out at it now while I write.  There is a lot on the agenda for this Sunday but I feel so relaxed and at peace.  I realize how much anxiety I had had before, now that it is gone.  I don’t think it was extreme, not like many people these days.  But it was there.  I was unaware of how much it was there until now that it is gone.  I think it is all tied up with fear.  For me it was fear that I wouldn’t get something done if I didn’t always have it on my mind.  Fear I would forget and miss something.  Some deadline, e-mail, or phone call I was supposed to make.  Things have gradually shifted.  It can come back on occasion but not so much.   Not too often.

This anxiety started after the separation/divorce.  I am not sure exactly when it started during the past four years but it creeped in little by little.  That unease.  That seeing a bill, or to-do list and having that eek feeling.  That internal micro-panic.  I need to take care of that.  I still haven’t done it yet.  I am worried I may forget it…if I don’t worry about it.  It’s so nice to be free of that worry.  I will try to help others release it as well through my Mindful Practices business.  I kind of want to call it Peaceful Practices but thinking of a marketing angle, Mindful is a better catch word for people.  A little more descriptive.  And something they can pronounce, unlike the former business name I loved, Qigong for Health.  Since no-one knows how to say Qigong, or what it even is, I figured it was past time to change it.  This will be a good year for my business.  For me as a person. A person with a mind and body that is more free and relaxed.

I sit with my cat at my shoulder on the bed behind me.  I took the bed off of the frame about a year ago.  What’s the point anyway?  That empty space under the bed just allows dust and mysterious items to gather and linger.  Marley often likes to get on my lap while I am writing or meditating.  Wanting my attention while I am trying to give my attention to other things.  Sometimes he will lie on the bed and put his paws on my shoulder.  Carley, my other cat, has been swimming in the sudsy water that I left in the kitchen sink.  Haha.  Yes, a cat that likes water.  So I shew her off of the bed again as she tries to snuggle up on top of my pillows with her wet paws.  Eww.

I have to go now.  Use the bathroom, and get ready to hike in the snow, then take soup to a sick friend.  Although I also need to get in a quick meditation as I have not gotten to that yet.

Adios amigos!

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