Here I am again. Decisions to make. Dreams to recall. A breeze to savor. Life to love. I think my life may pass in front of me again. I am alive. Remember that. Whatever living means. Whatever being human and existence in its whole means.
When I am here I am always content. In front of my open window in the mornings when the weather is perfect. The state of mind I long to live in all of my hours of all of my days.
I asked him what kind of cancer it was. He didn’t respond. Does he live in a perpetual dark place still. So sad to remain living in a dungeon when you have other options. Options to live in the light.
Do whatever you want she said. It caught me off guard. Is it really okay, I replied?
I don’t like quotation marks. Who has time. Where are the poets? We need to congregate. Can they come and live with me. Am I making the right decision?
I like to make plans so I have something to cancel. Have structure then bust it up for freedom. Openness. No commitments. Just nature. And writing. Eating healthy food and drinking tea. Coffee shops and new places to explore. I think someone talked to me about that last night. In my dreams, that is. I didn’t go out. Instead I spent hours in my bed. Alone. I was fine.
There were children again. A girl of maybe 8, a toddler girl, a little boy walking along a busy road. I told them to stay over to the side, worried about their safety. Then J Lo dropped a little boy off and I was the one who felt compelled to hang with him. No one else even acknowledge him. He was supposed to be a star or the Dali Lama, or someone of significance but no one but me noticed. He was bald and maybe 4 years old. I didn’t exactly want to hang with him but my strong sense of responsibility told me I should. It ended up being kind of fun. Then J Lo swooped back in in her superhero outfit and whisked him away.
In another dream my friend Grant was in my bedroom with me. I was sleeping on the bed. He laid down on the floor on my pallet of blankets. Then I moved down next to him. I wanted to be close but not in a sexual way. He seemed uncomfortable with me being this close so I was bummed. We didn’t talk about it. Someone came to the door and yelled housekeeping! I didn’t say anything and she came into the apartment. I got up and yelled get out!!! She got right out. I thought this was kind of funny. Later it happened again, with a different person. Then two or three people came together. I came out of the bedroom. Now there was a couple who was in the bedroom with Grant still there as well. I didn’t know them.
When the housekeepers came in and I came out of my room they said, we see that man. I thought now they are going to tell everyone I have a man in my room. I didn’t say anything. Didn’t say, he’s just a friend.
They left and Grant told me to stay in the bedroom while he and the other two came out. I felt bad. I didn’t want to be left out. I didn’t want to stay in the bedroom.
When I came out they had decorated for a birthday or party or something and there were presents. The couple left without saying anything and Grant didn’t say anything. I assumed the presents and party were for me but no one said anything. So I felt sad.
Now here I sit. Realizing I need to get dressed and head to the woods. When you have friends they rely on you. I can’t skip my morning activity of going to the Dharma Center, as they call it, or the Buddha Church. They will be expecting me. I have to manage my time well. I don’t know how it is to have people who desire my presence. I actually do but not to this extent. The extent to which they have both told my how important it is that I am in their lives now. They have cultivated this new friend group which I am an integral member of. Isn’t this what I wished for. I don’t always now how to accept the good stuff. The compliments, the inclusion. It usually seems hard to me to believe or receive is more like it.
I am in vacation mind/body mode this morning. It is so yummy. I am reminded of being in love with Brian. Those days, weeks, after returning home and how life was heaven. In my mind and heart. I am reminded of my Rumi poet from Slovenia who I met online. He was so romantic, wrote me poetry and invited me to visit his country. I wonder if that offer still stands.
I hate abrupt endings. I’ve got to go.
Copyright Suzanne Norton 2018