Chameleon

I can be the life of the party on the dance floor, or in the yoga studio, but when the lights are out and I’m at home alone, I feel lonely and unmotivated.  Whatever it is, it’s hard to get started.  The book I was going to read, the papers I was going to organize, the laundry I was going to do, they all wait.  Not all the time, but enough.

Today I was fully motivated when I woke up, but by the time I ate breakfast it was gone.  All I had was a smoothie so it shouldn’t have bogged my digestive system down.  That being said, I did go out and dance the night away and got to bed far too late.  Anyway, my list included meditation, swimming, hiking, and writing.  I did go on a lovely hike.  And, I did, and am, writing.  My state of being changes so much.  Maybe I will track it morning, noon, and night to look for patterns.  I am such a chameleon.  What I want to do with my life changes daily.  Sometimes I have trouble starting things and transitions are hard for me.  When I am doing one thing I can be totally there and in love with what I am doing.  But when it comes time to do the next thing, it is tough to switch gears.

It is a lovely cool night.  Feels like fall.  There is a sweet gentle rain and as usual the balcony door is open letting in my dear friend, the breeze.  I just remembered I need to check my bank account balance to make sure there is enough money in there for the rent check I wrote yesterday.  I am sitting on my couch with a blanket over my legs. My income is very limited right now as my ex stopped maintenance payments saying he couldn’t afford to pay since switching jobs and we had talked about it ending after two years.  That’s okay.  I just have to figure out this supporting myself thing which I have never in my life done, so it seems incomprehensible to me.  I am currently teaching 9 classes but some are not full enough.  Not enough to earn a living on.  So I am living largely off the sale of my home but that will only last so long and I don’t want to deplete it.  I am back to deciding what I want to do and how I want to live my life.  I know I don’t want to work a crazy number of hours.  And 40 might be crazy!  I don’t know yet.  I know I love variety.  So maybe several jobs will feel more up my alley.  : )

I am going to go check out Mr. Money Mustache’s page for some advice on living the life you want without working very much and Ok Cupid for my latest message.

So happy you are still out there after my long absence.  I will try to get back in the groove and connect with all of you out there in cyberspace to play catch up.

With love,

Suzanne

About Suzanne

I write poetry, flash fiction, quotes and personal essays. Words flow forth like a river that cannot be dammed. Writing is my soul.
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