I’m Home

I’m home from Boston.  So, back to my usual life, and my place of constant evaluation.

I went dancing last night.  It was great!  All the costumes.  People just having a blast!  I enjoyed the reactions I got from my mask.  It really creeped everyone out!  Although that was not my intention at all.  Still makes me laugh.  A few asked what bank I had robbed.  A few said I looked like Joan Rivers!  Some turned away not even able to look at me.  The mask is of a woman somewhat Asian looking with bright blue eye shadow, red blush on high cheekbones, and bright red lipstick.  It is translucent so my face  meshes with “hers”.   It was fun.  Dancing was wonderful.  And I got to hang out with my friend Kerry, which was a treat.  He looked equally creepy, as he did a great job on his make-up!

What did I learn in Boston?  That I am judgmental, although I reeeeally don’t want to be.  That my mind is still making up stories.  It was a familiar scenario.  He hadn’t texted back and the imagination ramped up.  I saw what I was doing but just kept letting myself go there anyway.  My friend tried to help me get perspective.  The whole thing distracted me from just being in the moment and totally relaxing and enjoying my time.  The interesting thing is, I had thought about talking to him about going our separate ways just last week.  But now with the possibility of him making the first move that direction I was off kilter.  Upset.  Hhhm.  Does that mean I want the upper hand?  Do I have an ego trip?   I believe most of us are on that trip.

Now I’m back home and things are still ambiguous.  I like something more to hold onto.  I don’t like loose ends, but he has not been interested in having a conversation yet.  This whole dating thing is for the birds.  Getting to know one, then another one.  I think it would be nice to get past the two month mark just to see what that is like!   I don’t like this model.  Invest time and energy into getting to know someone and the funniness around that, then move on and do it again.  I guess when you have a 23 plus year relationship, it’s hard to get down with this other model.  A model so the opposite of all that I have known (in my adult life).

I’m switching gears from dating to domestic issues.  I have to start doing a lot of work around my apartment.  Organization.  Blah.  I need to dedicate x amount of hrs a day.  Just like I dedicate time for other things.  Usually the stacks of papers just overwhelm me so I don’t even start.  Well, maybe I start another pile!

I’ve been thinking about getting a job.  So I will have something steady that I can do (oh, and money too of course).  Instead of all of the conjuring I have to do for my Qigong business.  The idea of just having a consistent place to go, say three to four days a week, and not running here and there seems appealing right now.  I had this shift when my friend was telling me about all of the peacemeal work she did right after college.  I thought, hmmm.  Maybe I would like to do some temp work for awhile.  Try that.  Remembering  impermanence.  It wouldn’t mean forever.  Then I moved onto thinking maybe I’d like a steady job (that also need not be permanent).  Thinking this will help with the need I am having to be more connected to people.

I am feeling the impact of time.  It has been a year since I started my blog, a year since my friend Steve and I went to my friend Kerry’s apartment for our little Halloween party.  It’s been almost a year since I went to Boulder, since I connected with the mountains, since my one year anniversary of moving out.  Almost a year since falling in love on those morning mountain hikes, feeling feelings I didn’t recall ever feeling in my life.  Almost a year since my whole being shifted, and as he put it, I got my mojo back.   I cry at these memories, feeling as though I am being drawn through a dark tunnel.  The pain of the beauty these new feelings brought.  Then the pain of the loss that ended up going along with it all.   I’ve lived so much life in this past year.  I’ve opened up a whole new world.  I’ve learned how much I need love.  How there was a hollowness I didn’t know existed.  And now that I know how it feels to get that filled up, I want to keep it that way.  The Beatles knew what they were talking about, “All ya need is love.”  That is what I get on the dance floor.  My body in love with the music and connecting with the love of the others out there sharing our passion, for music, for each other, connecting through joy and physicality.   I danced in Boulder.  I remember how he looked sitting there as I danced with our host.  And the pain and pleasure swirl together again and well up.  And it reminds me how I still find it hard to believe that sweet sweet man couldn’t find it within himself to have that final, I-don’t-think-this-is-going-to-work-out, conversation with me.    That’s was a killer, and I guess I’m still feeling the knife, even though I thought the wound had healed over.  I sent him an e-mail this summer and thanked him for being my first love in my new life.  I shared some of my fond memories.  He never responded.  I didn’t expect that he would.

I’ve been writing for an hour now and I have to get ready for meditation.   I think I will offer myself metta in my practice today.   And remember that I have many who love me in my life.  I have to appreciate and hold onto those long lasting sustainable connections.  They will continue to hold me up when the others come in and out of my life, and my heart bleeds.  Please send me your love through likes and comments if you have extra to share.


About Suzanne

I write poetry, flash fiction, quotes and personal essays. Words flow forth like a river that cannot be dammed. Writing is my soul.
This entry was posted in Boulder, Feelings, Heartache, Life, Love, Memories and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to I’m Home

  1. BunKaryudo says:

    I’m glad you enjoyed the dancing and the mask sounds amazing. Congratulations, by the way, on passing your one year blogging anniversary. I’ve still got a bit to go to get there yet. I’ve heard from various other bloggers that getting to a year is no small thing and bodes well for your blogging future! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Suzanne says:

      Hey Bun! Thanks for the comment. It’s so good to hear from you again. I need to catch up on your posts. I haven’t been engaging much here lately.
      Thanks for taking the time to read this longer piece of mine.
      Finally, someone who appreciates my mask! Haha!
      The one yr anniversary of my blog is helpful for me to reflect on all that has happened during this last year. Pretty incredible journey I’m on. Thanks for being part of it!!!
      Hope all is well in your world. : )

      Liked by 1 person

      • BunKaryudo says:

        Hi Suzanne, I’m afraid during the last couple of weeks my job insisted on getting the bulk of my attention, irritatingly enough. It was good to come back, though, and hear about your fun night out. Incidentally, when you had your blogging anniversary, I hope there was cake.


      • Suzanne says:

        Welcome back with open arms! Hey! I do need an actual celebration! Of me! And of my accomplishments. Thanks for the reminder! But I’m not much into cake….maybe hhhhm…more dancing! My favorite treat! Yummy!

        Liked by 1 person

      • BunKaryudo says:

        I must admit, a happy dance is a far healthier way to celebrate than a slice of cake. 🙂


      • Suzanne says:

        I also should start planning another me celebration….for my birthday…although everyone already celebrates it…. It’s New Year’s Eve! When is yours? Are you telling your age?

        Liked by 1 person

      • BunKaryudo says:

        My birthday is in early March, which means I’m a fish, or rather two fish swimming in different directions. I suppose this implies I’m indecisive or just a really good swimmer.

        As for my age, I’ve never really hidden that online. (In fact, I think it might even be on my “About” page, although I can’t remember offhand.) Anyway, I’ll be 49 next birthday. Funnily enough, I’m far less concerned about nearing 50 that I was about nearing 30. I now look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. cabrogal says:

    A few said I looked like Joan Rivers!

    That would’ve creeped me out too.
    Still, you’ve got to give her credit. She finally found a surgeon who could stop her from aging.

    The Beatles knew what they were talking about, “All ya need is love.”

    They also said:
    “Your lovin’ gives me a thrill,
    But your lovin’ don’t pay my bills
    Now give me money
    That’s what I want”

    Once you get something you just want something else.
    According to the Buddha that’s the real root of pain. Craving.

    Liked by 1 person

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