I’m Learning

I’m learning a lot about myself lately.  I’m learning what I like and don’t like.  What I want, and don’t want, in my life.  I’m learning that I get attached easily.  That I like attention and love.  That I like someone special to want to know all about me, what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what feeds my soul.  That for me, face to face, with all the body language that comes with it, is the best way to go.  I have learned that I like to have a buddy to hang out with.  That my friends are a very important part of my life.  That I need to not lose sight of that importance.  That I need to say what I am feeling.  That I hope I don’t come on too strong and scare others away by my honesty.  I have learned that it is best to take things slowly.  That there is no rush.

My friend observed something very profound for me.  He pointed out that what I thought I had found in others, had always been right there inside of me.  Others just provided the freedom and safety for me to release it.  When one door was opened, pure love poured out.  It was reciprocal and beautiful. When another door was opened, I stepped over the threshold into a world of passion.  A new and foreign land.  A spark inside of me, paired with the spark in another. Another magical connection began. Kind loving hearts and shared positive energy made it all possible.  I am forever changed.  I am forever grateful.

I have questioned if the love is worth the pain, when the bond is broken.  With tears of sadness in my eyes, I have to say yes. The sadness comes from the letting go.  I feel very deeply.  There is sadness for what will no longer be.  Joy for the memories of that which was.

I hear the words to songs in my head.  The songs have been my guides and teachers through this process of self discovery and love.  They have been my guides into, and through, these foreign lands.

I have learned that I need to hear words.  Actions speak louder than words just doesn’t ring true for me.  Not surprising, given my writer status.  I have learned that each connection is special, in its own unique way, and cannot be duplicated.  And never replaced.  I have learned that I need to be in relationship with those who can communicate their needs and wants.  And will be open to me expressing mine.  Those who choose healthy lifestyles committed to personal growth.  I have learned that I need companionship and attention.

I have learned what it means to let go again and again.  That is what life is about, I guess, impermanence.  I am learning to accept the pain that goes along with all the change.  I am learning to be thankful for the beautiful gifts from the connections, the time, and the experiences I have shared.  I can continue to hold that joy in my heart.  I am working on releasing the clinging and the wanting. The wanting more of what was so sweet and lovely.

I have allowed myself to just let the tears flow when they need to. I wonder if he is crying tonight as well.  The not knowing is always the hardest part.  I understand that I can’t have the pleasure without the pain.  The Universe doesn’t work that way.  Yin and yang are a unified force. That I have very little control.  That it’s not all about me.  That I should’t try to figure other people out.

I need to stay open to the world in front of me, and not close myself up in a box.  Open to the next thing in store for me.  For I have seen the beauty and the magic life has to offer.  And, if I’m open, I can keep collecting it’s wonderful gifts, designed just for me, along my special path.

Namaste

Copyright Suzanne Norton 2015

About Suzanne

I write poetry, flash fiction, quotes and personal essays. Words flow forth like a river that cannot be dammed. Writing is my soul.
This entry was posted in Buddhism, Essay, Heartache, Letting go, Loss, Love, Pain and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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