Breath and Relax

I’m sitting here on my bed, a 5 inch piece of foam covered by a quilt and a sleeping bag.  I haven’t taken the time to get an actual bed, after over a year on my own.  This brings tears to my eyes and I’m not sure exactly why.  I don’t know the source of all of my pain but just let the emotions come when they show up.  Lately they are showing up a lot.  The divorce paperwork will hopefully be turned in today.  While I want to rejoice, I think the reality of the end of one life and the beginning of another is hitting home. Divorce has been compared to death, and I think that’s a good comparison.  So there will be grief, even though the decision, and the outcome, is the right one.  There are many other things going on in my life right now, with my sons, my mom’s pain and declining health, a recent traffic ticket, and getting to know a new friend, that are contributing to me being more sensitive than usual.  I am also reminded as I hear the wind howl outside my  floor to ceiling windows, that it seems, without fail, February leaves me feeling a little depressed.  I try to be proactive some years and plan a trip.  A distraction from the I’m-so-ready-for-spring- I-can’t-stand-it blues. This year it snuck up on me since the winter had been mild up until recently.  I had been thinking about a trip, but was looking forward to March.   Another trip to the mountains.  It feels more like a need actually.  A very strong draw.  The mountains are calling, “We need you back.”   And I say, “I need you too.”

My cheeks wet with tears, I feel worn out, not my usual energetic self.  Seems there is too much to do.  I know this means I need to slow down and spend more time with my practices.  My meditation practice, my writing, my walking in the woods (and talking to friends).  My jaunts through the woods have been replaced, as of late, by an indoor track.  It has been great to be inside with just my minimalistic tight fitting exercise clothes, no coat, boots, or gloves to weigh me down, and my upbeat music propelling me forward.   But nothing can take the place that nature fills in my life.  The trees, the hills, the birds and squirrels, the fresh air.  I have still been walking just a bit everyday, even in these frigid Midwest temps.  But it’s not enough.  Someone told me this morning that we are supposed to be getting freezing rain.  That pushed me down a little bit deeper into my funk.

As I look straight ahead to the other side of my room I see a beautiful African American woman staring at me.  She has a far away look, not looking directly at me.  It is a photo I purchased from an artist in St. Louis a few months ago.  Her place of honor will be on the wall in my living room.  So many things, like hanging the picture, remain left undone.  I am slow to get to everything.  My life coach reminds me of the tremendous change, and what all I have accomplished, over this past year.  She encourages me to write down these accomplishments.  Saying this will help me feel more grounded so I can move forward.  I haven’t done my homework yet.  But I will.  For now items pile up around me and I feel bogged down.  I finally asked a friend for help.  His home is very tidy, like mine used to be.  He said he might be a little OCD, but I told him, “That’s okay, I might need a little to rub off on me for awhile.” Until I can get what my coach calls “new systems” in place.  So I take a deep breath and remember one of my latest mantras.  Relax.

Breath and Relax.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

About Suzanne

I write poetry, flash fiction, quotes and personal essays. Words flow forth like a river that cannot be dammed. Writing is my soul.
This entry was posted in Change, Divorce, Grief, Mantra, Meditation, Nature, Stress and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Breath and Relax

  1. Suzanne says:

    Reblogged this on learningtocry.wordpress.com and commented:

    It’s always good to reflect. This was written in February. I think it’s a poignant piece. Let me know what you think.

    Like

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