The Journey

I’ve been busy living my life.  Building my Qigong and Tai Chi business, writing (in my notebook), teaching an art class, shooting photos, hiking, meditating, working out, dancing, taking a Buddhist committed practice class, raising teenage sons, meeting with my Jungian therapist, my life coach, my massage therapist, staying connected with old friends, building relationships with new friends, and going through a divorce.  Wow!  I’m  feeling exhausted just writing that.  That doesn’t include all the basic at-home domestic necessities, plus things like banking, grocery shopping, etc, etc, etc….

I tell myself, “You have got to simplify.”  “But what would I cut out?” I argue.  “I love all that I do!”  (Well maybe not the domestic stuff!)

Instead of scaling back, I actually want to add things, like:  read all of the books I have, go out dancing even more, add more Qigong and Tai Chi classes (translation: I need more money), meditate more, go on a vision quest, sign up for the Iowa Writer’s Summer Workshop, and travel, travel, travel, with a focus on learning about other cultures.

So.  I am very fortunate.

A good friend recently told me he thinks that I’m lucky.  I don’t call it luck, that seems to indicate that it all just fell in my lap.  The way I see it is, I have created this life I’m living, and continue to do so.  It has not been easy, but I continue to set an intention for each new  thing I want to bring into my life.  I have struggled with self-judgement for living  differently, feeling that “society” is judging me, when really I am the ultimate judge.  Although it may not appear so from the outside, I have to constantly work on allowing myself to believe that I deserve to have a happy, fulfilling, passion-filled, guilt-free life.   Sometimes I think, “Is it okay to be happy, to follow my dreams, to have love, when there are so many, and so much, suffering in the world?”  “Am I doing enough to help make this world a better, more peaceful, place?”  “Is working on myself, trying to be the best person I can be, having fun, following my passions, teaching, being a friend, being a mother, a daughter…is this giving enough?”

Then ‘society’ peaks its evil head again, and says, “You ‘should’ be ‘working’.  You ‘should’ be spending more of your time making money.”  I say, “You may just be right, but I have to do what feels right, right now.”  “I feel like I need to be a student.  Like I need to continue to work diligently on myself and my relationships.  To learn about Buddhism, Qigong, Tai Chi, writing, meditation, and so much more.  I am a vessel just dying to be filled up, yet knowing I will never ever be completely full.”

I know the answers are inside of me.  I know that the understanding can become clearer with time spent on the cushion, among the trees, and on the pages of my notebook.   Now I just have to give myself permission to spend enough time in these places so I know each next step to take while meeting all of the perceived outside voices with curiosity and compassion: “Get to ‘work’!”  “Make money!”  “Get a ‘job’!”  “Stop spending so much time focusing on yourself!”  “You know you don’t want to be self-centered!”  “It’s not fair that you get to have so much fun!”  “To have such a good life!”  “What gives you the right!?”

I’m in school right now.  The school of self-discovery, true insight.  It’s a very rigorous program, a fairly small one, and not very popular here in the West.  I don’t think those of us on this tract will ever graduate.  But that’s okay.  The journey is the most important part.   :   )

Namaste

Please let me know if you’re an alumni of the school of self-discovery.  Maybe we’ll all get together for a reunion one day.

About Suzanne

I write poetry, flash fiction, quotes and personal essays. Words flow forth like a river that cannot be dammed. Writing is my soul.
This entry was posted in Buddhism, insight, Intention, Law of Attraction, learning, Money, Passion, self-discovery, Vipassana, Work, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to The Journey

  1. Tom W. says:

    Hello Suzanne,
    I came to your blog through a comment you posted on hipmonkey’s blog (isn’t that how things happen anyway?). I sought more entries on Taoism here, but saw only three. I love Tai Chi for so many reasons – but as you can tell by my avatar, the deep symbolism of the Taijitu is, for me, the source of greatest inspiration. I dare hope that you might get a kick out of some of my own musings and so I humbly point you to some of my work in progress: https://sites.google.com/site/taomathphilo/ and if that piqued your curiosity, you can toy with more head-scratchers on my own humble blog: http://taomath.org/.
    I hope that it inspires some more meditative considerations for you during your own Tai Chi practise, and I look forward to reading your perspective.
    Thank you and kind regards,
    Tom

    Like

  2. ecohorizons says:

    Nice that you are learning self improvement and spiritual enlightenment. I think there should be balance between financial professional achievement and social spiritual life. Money is important but not everything . I advise you to take things easily and simply as much as you can.

    Like

    • learningtocry says:

      Thanks for your comment. Simple and easy is good. Not promoted enough in this U.S. culture.

      Like

      • ecohorizons says:

        Though I feel that American people are easy going in general.
        I think one should start from himself and have some focus on inside not just the outside world. If you are happy from inside, the outside world would be fine and well.

        Like

  3. learningtocry says:

    Oh Yay! A classmate!!!
    The quote is soooo perfect!
    Let’s get together soon sister!
    Suzanne

    Like

  4. tonirahman says:

    Suzanne, we’re going to the same school!! Yes. Yes. Yes! Let’s get together for a reunion! Here’s a quote from Gabor Maté that comes to mind: “All too frequently, people are given the sense that they are valued only for their utilitarian contribution and are expendable if they lose their economic worth.” Don’t fall into that trap.

    Like

  5. elleceef says:

    I wish you all the best on your continuing journey. I am a woman in her 70’s and my journey still continues and I’m refreshed by the new things I can still learn and do. You have brought back good memories of my beginning with your post. Namaste

    Liked by 1 person

    • learningtocry says:

      Thank you so much for your comment and sharing a little about yourself. I am so happy my writing brought back good memories for you. That makes it all worthwhile. : )
      All my best.
      Suzanne

      Like

  6. Hi! I just thought that you may appreciate this quote:

    “To live is to be slowly born.”
    ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry~

    Take care!
    Svetlana

    Like

    • learningtocry says:

      I love it! Thank you Svetlana! I have been born several times over, throughout this past year. It is a never ending process, and not an easy one. Each time there is the grieving of a death that goes alongside the joy of new life.
      It’s an amazing process and I am excited to be on the path of growth and awakening! : )
      I appreciate you taking the time to comment and share the quote.
      With love,

      Suzanne

      Liked by 1 person

  7. kerryd1957 says:

    Good to see you on here again! I like the new picture too. For the record, you have done much to inspire me in my own journey of self discovery and life expansion. For that and for the opportunity to be a small part for a time in this journey of yours that you so eloquently described, I am grateful. I wish you all the best of what life has to offer. Namaste to you my friend. (I am bowing now) :^)

    Like

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