It has been coming fast and furious this week. The message is, “You have to create.” Create words, written and spoken, create movement, to rhythmic music, create images, in the form of photographs. Create space to breathe and slow down. Slow down long enough to be still and listen for clarity and guidance in order to know how to proceed on the path. I am excited about starting my Qigong business. Excited about starting a business in general and all that entails, and all the learning that will take place. (I love to learn!) But having these two weeks off with new experiences and large blocks of unstructured time has reminded me that my heart has been screaming at me to Write, Write, Write. In a compassionate, but very loud voice, “You need to devote more of your life to your first love!” Writing is my love and my lover. A loyal companion, a confidant, a teacher, a spiritual guide, and my best friend. Someone I can tell everything to with no inhibition. Someone who will love me unconditionally forever and always.
This afternoon I sit at the table in my room on the second floor of my apartment building. Clothes piled up next to me that I will sort out to keep or take to Goodwill, when I’m done writing. Books under the clothes that I will organize and place neatly on the tall white bookshelf that stands to the left of my writing table, when I’m done writing. When I go into the kitchen to refill my water cup with water from my teapot, I will see dishes in the sink that I need to wash, when I get done writing. In the dining area, a new brown basket is filled with papers that need to be sorted, when I get done writing……I realize where my priority lies.
All of the sudden a sadness comes over me. A fatigue that makes want to lie down and sleep, as I realize that eventually writing has to share with every one else. They need attention too. She jumps up and down having a tantrum demanding that we spend many more hours together. I tell her, we’ll see.
I am trying to stop all semblance of “I can’t”, even a microcosmic speck of it. Replacing it with “I Can, Damn it!” I know my living large is coming. I can feel it like a locomotive barreling head on down the tracks coming straight at me. I have a craving to be there, to know exactly where there is. But I am reminded of a quote I wrote yesterday (and intended to post) “Everything unfolds in its own time.” I have been grasping lately. Craving and grasping cause suffering. The Buddha said so and I believe it. The knowing doesn’t always make it easy to alter the mind’s bad habits. I think about my best buddy Steve and wonder if he is back in town. We talk about everything; craving, suffering, and Buddhism, not excluded.
My sweet tuxedo kitty watches the birds fly around outside the floor to ceiling windows in my room. He is having some serious craving going on himself! I love my room. It couldn’t be better. I feel lucky to be here. In this room, in this apartment, in this town, in this body, in this life. Very lucky.
I know I want to devote hours a day to my writing. To sending off post after post after post out there to the world. It is so rewarding to hit a button and know that those of you out there in Russia, Australia, France, The Philippines, The Good old U.S.A., and so on are reading my writing. How amazing is that?
I am forever evolving and changing. I have sooo much that wants to be posted just from the past 24 hours. Tonight I have to choreograph a Qigong sequence for my demo tomorrow. I am working on getting a contract with a local, prosperous business to provide Qigong for their employee wellness program. So that will take some time away from my writing. But in a good way. And then there’s eating, that takes times away from my writing. Sleeping. You get the idea. I guess these days, I am feeling like writing is the air I am breathing. Earlier this afternoon I looked at an electronics store for a recording device that would turn my spoken words into text ,which could then be placed right here in this space. The salesperson showed me Dragon Naturally Speaking. I am quite intrigued. I could’ve written a whole book on my recent trip, being in the car for over 11 hours – if I had only had this little beauty. I haven’t decided if this will be the one or not. My friend told me that I could get an app, so we’ll see. It just feels liberating to know now that I can take my hikes, or trips, and dictate all the writing that is going on inside my head. The best of both worlds. Hiking in nature and writing at the same time.
Hope you were able to hang in there with me and my ramblings. I really appreciate your time and attention. Please leave a comment if you have similar feelings or would like to share anything about your writing journey. (No advice though please. I’m allergic!)