I lie on my floor, head propped up on my makeshift pallet bed, looking out at the blue sky and fall leaves. It’s quiet and I love that. I am the only one home. I love that too. At this moment in time anyway. That’s all I really have right? Each moment in time. This moment I am swimming in the blue. Many other moments I imagine I’m scooping up the blue into a vessel and drinking it in. A very physical experience. The sun is my best friend. It’s here with me today, so I guess I’m not totally alone. My cats wander in on occasion as well. I would be so lonely without them, when I am the only human around. I can smell the fresh air, even though I haven’t yet opened my window this morning. I wish to lie here all day. Or, even better, to lie in the grass all day in the nearby open field. I have the need to be outdoors, specifically in nature, far more than I allow myself. My new job does help with that. I couldn’t ask for a better one. It’s right up there with teaching and writing. I am amazed that I get paid to pull weeds and the like. And very happy that there is still more to do. I love the work. I get to be outside interacting with the soil, the vines, the trees, the ….I feel tired as I lay here. I have not worked in my usual exercise that I get in the morning. I have not been going to the field for Qigong for a while now. I need to get back on schedule. That word is a tough one for me. There’s so much to do, I don’t know how to get it all done or how to break it up into small pieces, over hours, days, weeks, months. I want to do it all now. As I hold my Asus on my lap I remember what my friend said about laptops. Don’t hold them on your lap. They emit radiation. Is this true? Sounds kind of contradictory. Don’t hold the laptop on your lap. Hopefully I’m safe with my tablet. I try to protect myself from cancer in many other ways. I can’t understand how people work one job 8 hours a day, five days a week. How do they get anything else done? How do they have time to have hobbies, passions, to just be. My goal is to make my passions my work. I am damn proud of myself for doing just that. It’s hard. It’s not the norm. Others see that I should “go out and get a job.” I need to find other entrepreneurs to hang with. I guess I already do. Hang with, that is. I have strong women in my life, running their own businesses. I have great, full of life, male friends following their passions. Living their lives with the same freedom I value above all.
I want to surround myself with writers, dreamers, lovers of life. I’ve often heard that writing can be lonely. I also know that connections can be made. I plan on connecting with a lady I met at Saturday’s writing conference. Someone who has made full-time writing her full-time career in a matter of a few years. She said she is bringing in $100,000. I also know she is very driven, turning her original goal of being a lawyer or judge into the direction of writer. She revealed that she had always loved to read but never considered writing, only doing so because of her mother’s persistence. I guess I’m a hard worker. I just tell myself otherwise. I like to take it slow. To do the things I enjoy. I have piles of papers I need to go through. Checkbooks to balance. Dishes and laundry and grocery shopping to do. Would I want to pay someone to do these things if I was making the money doing the things that I love? Just as the sweet woman I am working for pays me to pull her weeds, something she hasn’t the time or desire to do, while she works hard at her chosen career? I would rather not play the capitalist game with the money and all. Yet I do want things. I want things. I want a new red couch. Probably should get an actual bed, or at least a mattress of some sort. I want a stainless steel dish drainer. I want new clothes to fit my newly defined image. I want a professional haircut. Something classy, with a touch of tough. I want a trip to Paris, along with a writing workshop. I want a few days in Colorado maybe California as well. I want a manager and an agent.
All the wanting reminds me that I’m tired. Maybe I need more rest. Actually I’ve slowed down from the rate I was going this summer. Trying to tell myself it’s a good thing. Still trying to find that balance and gain the understanding that it’s okay to do what I want. To take care of me. I tell others to do it, then I feel somehow wrong.
I’m a dreamer and I want to follow that as well. Yet, I want.
I try to remember to ask the questions: “If you could do anything you wanted to do, with no consideration for money, etc., what would it be?” Also the question: “What if you had one year to live? Then what?” In other words, Live the life you want to live. Right now!!! No excuses. Nothing holding you back. Go for it!
I think I am, just not Living Big like the author……suggests. I know I have great potential. I have visions of moving to Boulder, or maybe California, and living out my dreams there. I often have trouble seeing how I fit into the big picture. How I am important. Wondering what others think of me. Sometimes thinking that if I were not here anymore it wouldn’t really matter except to my sons and cats. I feel I need to make a bigger contribution on a larger scale. Maybe that’s what I am doing here. I feel blessed to have reached people in Russia. In Australia. Where else out there on this big blue planet am I having an impact? I do know one answer to that question. Right here in my little community. In my little way. It just seems I need other to tell me.
Coming to you with minimal editing. Be back later to fine tune.
Copyright Suzanne Norton 2015